© deb davies thorkelson | Energy Ended   | image: an iphone 3GS collage

ENERGY ENDED

Energy ended, it bended, it broke
Leaving long shadows, casting shards down my throat
Daring it, sharing it, swallowing shame
Dreaming on edges and summoned to stay

Forgetting my place, missing just one more call
Hailing guides and archangels to soften my fall
Sinking and blinking, tomorrow’s a waste
Today glitters too sharply leaving scars on my face

Sentenced to prison with fine linens and fans
Waited by servants who watch for commands
Deeply come visions, laced with diamonds and pearls
Soothing sweet music and princes with curls

Flying and falling and feeling the strain
Of a thousand brave soldiers charging the plains
Bring me back satins, fine silks and fine throws
I’ll wait for the night to come wrap me in bows

Drifting and lifting, and climbing to find
Purpose dwells briefly, to stall in my mind
Whirling and twirling the jester takes court
Laughing a grimace from the depths of his corpse

Grieving is gaining, and straining to live
Reason is waning but wanting to give
Convulsing, the darkness falls into the deep
Coiling up sadness and voiding all sleep

Clenching and drenching and seizing in sweat
Unable to find the door to my bed
Calmly, and coldly, bold bravery breaks
Vanishing banishing beliefs that I made

Energy ended, I cast out a call
For the capture of heavens, lest I wake to the walls
Facing and racing to trace back my steps
Running into the waters to put out my head

Clock hands are striking, each hour reveals
Constant reminders of that which I’ve failed
Ticking myriad tales of passions derailed
Ships that have faltered and those that have sailed

Moving quickly and thickly, so sickly I stop
Returning from madness to live in a box
Quietly covered, weighing down on my shell
Shutting out light, every word, every hell

Basking in lonely, all flash gone awry
Slipping into the kingdom controlled by my mind
Taunted by evil too anxious to view
Leaves me beckoning to strangers I thought I once knew

Helplessly trusting a dangerous kind
Drinking up horrors and standing in line
Quickly and prickly, change the channel on time
To wine and white roses, to the maze in my mind

Energy ended all dreams of myself
Killing the frills, the speed, and great wealth
Unmoving, still frozen and so out of whack
It messed with my brain, and turned screws in my back

Feeding the poisonous root to my face
Lying in wait to surprise and disgrace
Letters keep writing in the back of my brain
Silently speeches shout in writhing disdain

Sleeping and keeping a fever and worse
Shattering glass ceilings to stare at my worth
Watching and waiting on epic wars’ plains
Listening out loud to their silent refrains

Scattering battlefields with forgotten foes
Shutting dull eyes, keeping secrets too close
Awakening the still ones on some other side
Reaching them, pleading them, seeing them rise

Ambushing with arrows and fiery burn
Blind slashes and lashes to a warrior returned
Raining of bullets and knives yielding pain
Gashing and tripping and ripping my name

Temperature rising yet heat turns to cold
One stiffening body is reaching to hold
Beseeching the vastness of power as told
Devouring the mercy collapsing my soul

Trigger is pulling, the gun cannot wait
Fog filling a brain that can’t know its own fate
Killing and spilling remorse much too late
Sequencing sequels shouting loudly my hate

Energy ended, halting flawed regimes
Seething and weaving the beast’s on a chain
Screaming I’m fleeing through high iron gates
Foes come kicking and licking to seal up their fates

Pleading and bleeding from gangs and their switches
Pounding the ground and listening in ditches
Escaping a journey too long and undone
Crying from pain and chasing the sun

Bracing emotions, no thought of restraint
Aching and quaking and ready to face
Finding, awaking, and shaking the curse
Resolving, revolving, the Earth in reverse

Rising from ashes to never return
To bed clothes and deeply, weeply concerns
Moving and proving and shouting out why
Locking eyes with the stranger that never had died

Carving canyons and valleys and mountainous highs
Watching loops of sweet rushes lost in my mind
Passing all of the demons, and the devil ahead
Entering the dimension prepared for the dead

Fighting old terrors with things on a list
Searching the airwaves for what I have missed
Turning fast into presence, see the secrets repeat
Go apply, go dapply, go tear up the streets

Energy ended, collapsing in static
Blue earth turning into a brackish dramatic
Refusing to see it will not chase it away
Dialing for hours I’ve decided to stay

Taking belongings, leaking blood from my veins
Harming the person who calls out your name
Challenging the mirror to honor reflection
Believing me or leaving me, I am resurrected

Having dreamed, having tried, having died a few times
Quickly mind’s clearing, rejecting the crimes
Pleading with choirs of laughter to stop
Listening for cues of the next ringing shot

Dancing comes the jester with glee and with mirth
Forgotten and foolish to meet dismal death
Gazing at dark graveyard dirt being dug
Covering the sins of a dangerous drug

Energy ended, it was a solemn joke
Traveling light is now crawling so slow
I tell the conspirators, the theorists, the terrorists
Time is delirious, cold and mysterious

Thundering drums come clothing my spirit
Quantum nothingness hangs in a doorway near it
Questioning the science of my own ragged chains
Feeding the fury running hot through my veins

Sliding tall gates that one cannot see
Exiting hell with a toxic misdeed
Falling forward blindly and breathing too fast
Testing is done. I am finishing last

Energy ended, it bended, it broke
Crashing down hard, casting shards down my throat
Sounding of horns, I’m returning with honor
Waking from years spent fighting the horror

•  •  •

the story behind this poem:
this was written during an extremely intense recovery from opiate dependence for years of chronic spine pain – about one week after a 5 day in-patient Detox Hell.
To say I was feeling crappy and messed-up is an understatement. I’m not sure how I extracted this stuff from my brain or why it was there… but when I read this now, I can still feel the intensity in my heart and soul… and I realize: I have won. I am back.

 © deb davies thorkelson
words written on Fri + Sat, Dec 6 + 7, 2013  |  image: iPhone 3GS collage

{edited Feb 9th, 2016}